Dear persons who would be speaking German . . .

. . .  if it were not for the United States of America.
Thank you for your recent inquiry regarding reestablishing ownership of the United States of America.  While we consider all applications of interest, we are afraid your most recent offer must be rejected.  As the US economy is currently in its 8th year of expansion we feel any offers must be viable, and as anyone can see from looking at the current value of the pound, the UK simply can't afford such a takeover at this time.  We also note numerous errors in your recent communication, and we would like to take the time to correct you.

 1.  While we are sure you would simply adore it if everyone spoke English from the Canterbury Tales and interlaced each sentence with iambic pentameter, we feel English is living language and must therefore adapt to the times.  Fortunately for us, we find ourselves in control of the media which set the tone for the development of the language.  Therefore if you find our changes to the language uncomfortable we are afraid you will have to get used to it.  Never fear however, as you will have plenty of opportunities to listen to American English when you watch Friends and Seinfeld and listen to your children speak after listening to their new Madonna CD for the 500th time.

 2.  Microsoft has in fact called it "US English" which is in error.  The correct name is "American English."  We will bring this to Bill's attention. Please do not attempt to contact him directly. Since his current disposable wealth is approximately 10 times that of your queen, he will certainly reject any attempts on your part to communicate with him as more junk mail.

 3.  While we appreciate that there is a difference between English and Australian accents, we cannot see the value in learning to distinguish the differences between these two dying branches of the language.  Perhaps it would be of interest to an academic.  We suggest contacting someone who studies dead languages, such as Mayan, ancient Egyptian, Coptic, paleo-Hebrew, or Persian Cuneiform.

 4.  You may recall that Hollywood did experiment with casting an English actor as the good guy.  Unfortunately the Hugh Grant experiment ended poorly on Hollywood Blvd..

 5.  We are quite familiar with the Sex Pistols and their song God Save the Queen.  What most English people don't realize is that the Sex Pistols were actually a church band from the great state of Utah. They merely pretended to be British in order to milk the unsuspecting British public out of their hard earned money.

 6.  While it is true that football is only played in the US, it appears that this is because the strategic nature of the game cannot be grasped by people outside of the US.  Case in point, as you discuss, there are points in the game where the physical action ceases.  It is at this point when the managers select plays, change players and develop a game strategy based upon literally thousands of variables, which is in stark contrast to rugby where the manager stands on the sideline scratching his privates for the entire game.
Your suggestion that we take up soccer, and begin by playing girls is a good one.  A couple of years ago our women did in fact pick up the game.  Unfortunately it proved too easy as evidenced by the US Women's team victories including, 1991 World Cup: Champions, 1995 World Cup:  3rd Place, 1996 Olympics: Gold Medal, 1999 World Cup: Champions, 2000 Olympics:  Suffered a hard fought 3-2 loss to Norway in the gold medal game in which Norway scored in Golden Goal extra time to win.  As for rugby, it is far too similar to the children's game "smear the queer" so we would reject playing on principle.

 7.  Your suggestion that we declare war on Quebec and France is rejected on two counts.  First, as Quebec is the 52nd state (Canada proper being the 51st), we could not declare war against them, only crush any rebellion which might arise.  Second, while declaring war on the French would be fun, it is far more fun watching the French annoy you.

 8.  Oh yes, July 4th.  The date when a bunch of hillbilly, undereducated, farmers, who's forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world, took King George's orders and wiped their asses with them.  They then went on to defeat the largest, best equipped and most feared army in the world.  No, I am afraid that July 4th will have to remain a public holiday.

 9.  While we agree that many American cars from the 1970s were in fact "crap," we would like to point out the following; BMWs are now made in the US. Mercedes Benz are now made in the US. Jag is now owned by Ford.

We also note that you plan to show us German cars. We appreciate the fact that you did not attempt to show us any cars made in England as our hearts could not stand the strain from laughing uncontrollably for hours on end.

10. For the 97.85% of Brits who have until now been unaware that there is news which does not relate to the dating and inbreeding of your royal family,  JFK was assassinated by Lee Harvey Oswald.